Posts Tagged ‘Timely’
Local introvert keen for long weekend to finish so he doesn’t have to keep making up elaborate excuses to avoid social activity
LOCKDOWN: A Sydney introvert is counting down the hours until the end of the long weekend, eager to escape the exhausting task of fabricating fake excuses to avoid friends and family. “I wanted to spend the weekend at home by myself, but I’ve been inundated with messages from people trying to hang out,” Nigel Dunning told DBT. “Ever since Thursday Ive been under the pump.” The 29 year old data analyst says he’s already used up every excuse under the sun. “I’ve told people I’m sick, injured, have work to do or have errands to run,” he says. “I even…
Read MoreFather who regularly pays $350 for a bag, refusing to pay $22 for an Easter showbag
CHARLES IN CHARGE: A Sydney father who regularly spends a quarter of his weekly salary on eight balls, says showbags are way too expensive. Today Josh Laird refused to buy his young son Henry a $22 showbag at this year’s Royal Easter show. “Those bags are a huge waste of money,” he told his son before attempting to leave the event. “Plus, you’re massively addicted to sugar.” But the son reportedly put up a fight, saying he refused to leave until his father purchased the Cadbury showbag for him. “C’mon son, show some restraint will you,” replied the father. “There…
Read MoreRegulators force ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here’ to be renamed; ‘Get Me Out Of Here’
HARSH REALITY: Television regulators have forced the long-running reality show ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here’ to change its name. After the premier episode of the 2024 season aired last night, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission has demanded the word ‘Celebrity’ be removed from the show’s title. “We find using the word ‘celebrity’ amounts to misleading and deceptive conduct,” says the ACCC’s Megan Tilly. “Apart from Frankie Muniz, basically all of the contestants are little known influencers or recycled reality TV contestants.” “In fact, none of them have any idea who anyone else on the show is,…
Read MoreMan who still hasn’t slept or eaten in 24 hours, announces full recovery from Mardi Gras after having a multivitamin
SLIM DUSTY: A local man has staged a dramatic recovery from 24 hour hours non-stop partying. Sean Bates’ Mardi Gras celebrations kicked off yesterday afternoon and ended 30 minutes ago after returning home from the Beresford after party. “I had a multivitamin the second I got home and I can already feel it kicking in.” Sean Bates has a Swisse Ultivite Men’s multivitamin, which is packed with vitamin D, magnesium and zinc. “Wow, these pills really pack a punch,” he says. “Maybe I should’ve just started with a half?” Either way, the 31 year old says he’s now ready for…
Read More“I don’t need a special day to show my love for you,” says man who makes zero effort ever
DATE NIGHT: A local man has once again reaffirmed his lacklustre approach toward romance, and his strong opposition to Valentine’s Day. “It’s all just marketing rubbish,” Max Weiner tells his wife every year. “I would never show love for you just because the calendar says it’s a certain date.” However his wife has told DBT he never shows love at any other times either. “In our early years of dating he used to take me to McDonalds on my birthday, but now even that’s dropped off,” she says. The couple are once again staying home tonight to watch MAFS and…
Read More“OMG that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever written to me,” says woman after reading husband’s Valentine’s Day card, generated by Chat GPT
LOVE LANGUAGE: A local man says his marriage has been strengthened by a Valentine’s Day card, written by artificial intelligence. “I used ChatGPT to write the card because I was really in need of some fresh content,” says Lyle Tanner. “We’ve been married for six years so all this lovey dovey stuff has been said so many times before.” The 35 year old asked the AI chat bot to write a 250 word message, but he told his wife he wrote it himself. And the results were spectacular. “OMG, this is literally the nicest thing you’ve ever written to me,” said…
Read MoreMen on MAFS yet to understand they need to rank their partner 1st in the photo challenge, regardless of how hot they are
PHOTO CHALLENGED: Men on MAFS are still struggling to comprehend a fundamental rule of the show’s photo task, in which the cast are asked to rank other cast members of the opposite sex, in order of physical attractiveness. “After ten seasons of the show, you’d think they’d have worked it out by now,” MAFS expert John Aiken told DBT. “In reality the photo task is not an attractiveness test,” “It’s an IQ test, and year after year men fail dismally.” Last night saw MAFS cast member Richard become the latest groom to fail the test, ranking his wife equal third,…
Read MoreMan who protested against Australia Day this morning, seen celebrating it this afternoon
MIXED MESSAGE: A Sydney man is accused of contradicting himself over his stance on Australia Day. This morning Lyle Thomas was seen protesting at an Invasion Day rally, but this afternoon he was photographed at an Australia Day BBQ, surrounded by two blondes. “I also saw him get a kebab in Bondi,” said one witness. Only hours earlier, Lyle Thomas was in a much more sombre mood at the Invasion Day Rally, as he held up an #AbolishAustraliaDay placard. Thomas refused to confirm his stance on Australia Day, and chose not to comment to DBT. But he was last seen…
Read More#BREAKING: Man left red faced at Australia Day BBQ after yelling: ‘Aussie, Aussie Aussie…’ but nobody replied: ‘Oi Oi Oi’
AUSSIE BATTLER: Lunch hasn’t even been served, but a Sydney man is already letting loose at an Australia Day BBQ today. After struggling to manage any lasting conversation with other guests, Chris Smithers decided to randomly yell out ‘Aussie Aussie Aussie…’ “I love screaming that at the top of my lungs, ey,” he told DBT. “It’s an easy way to attract attention to myself while at the same time seeming like an Aussie legend.” However his patriotic efforts fell flat, with nobody yelling back ‘oi oi oi,’ or even acknowledging his effort. “It was pretty embarrassing for everyone to be…
Read MoreNew calls to change the Australia Day date to when Scott Morrison reportedly shat himself at Engadine Maccas
SHIT IDEA: In the absence of any obvious date to change Australia Day to, a group of activists say it should be the day Scott Morrison allegedly shat himself at Engadine McDonald’s. Whether it’s true or not, the rumour is that on the 20th of September 1997, the former PM soiled his pants after the Cronulla Sharks lost the NRL grand final. “What a perfect day for Australia Day,” said one activist. “And it would be a perfect excuse to go to Maccas!” Engadine McDonald’s says it supports the proposed new date. “We’d be flattered to be a part of…
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