Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
DAMAGE CONTROL: NRL announce all players must now put their phones on flight mode while partying
FUN MODE: The NRL is today taking unprecedented action to reduce the risk of players’ embarrassing social media posts, ill-advised selfies, or even incoherent texts. “Modern communication technology continues to prove a challenge for many players,” says a statement from the NRL. “That’s why we are intervening.” All players are now required to put their phones on flight mode while engaging in recreational activities. It comes amid news North Queensland superstar Valentine Holmes uploaded a picture with a bag of what appears to be white powder on his own social media account. “Realistically we cant control what players do during…
Read More#BREAKING: Alan Joyce set to make acting debut in remake of Thunderbirds
CAREER PIVOT: Only one day after his shock early exit from Qantas, Alan Joyce has signed on to make his acting debut in a remake of the 1960s sci-fi British TV series, Thunderbirds. I”m a natural fit,” says Joyce. “Thunderbirds are all about innovation in travel. I bring decades of experience in that department.” In the latest remake of Thunderbirds, Alan Joyce will be the only human actor, with the rest of the cast being played by puppets. “I’ve started intense training for the role,” says Joyce. “Including mastering the art of moving my mouth without any noticeable facial expression,…
Read MoreAlbo reveals real reason Joyce is leaving Qantas early: “I have appointed him federal transport minister”
SPIRIT OF AUSTRALIA: The PM has today announced an unexpected cabinet reshuffle, with Qantas CEO Alan Joyce to step into the coveted role of federal transport minister. “Who better understands the complexities of Australian transport than someone who has been at the helm of a major airline?” asked Anthony Albanese during a press conference. “And we also know Alan Joyce is already very politically minded.” The appointment is set to take effect immediately. The appointment is being made public after Alan Joyce announced today he’s leaving his role at Qantas earlier than expected. “After navigating Qantas through turbulent skies, I’m…
Read More#EXCLUSIVE: Qantas’ strict no pets in cabin policy relaxed exclusively for Albo and his dog
SPIRIT OF AUSTRALIA: In a groundbreaking and controversial move, Qantas has relaxed its longstanding no-pet in cabin policy for Australia’s PM and his beloved canine Toto. “We believe in a fair go for all,” says Qantas CEO Alan Joyce, “Well, I mean, all who run the country and have adorable pets.” Unless pets are service animals, they are strictly limited to cargo areas. However today Albo’s dog Toto had her very own seat on a Qantas business class flight to Auckland. “Thank you Alan for making this possible,” says the PM. “As you all know, i’d take Toto everywhere if…
Read MoreQantas announces record profit after selling passengers’ lost luggage
CASH CONVERTERS: Qantas’ move into the second hand clothing and luggage industry has helped it achieve a record $2.5 billion profit. “Our core flying business is still recovering from the pandemic, but our new thrift store offering is performing very well,” says CEO Alan Joyce. The airline has been selling second hand clothing and other items gathered from lost luggage. “We may not be able to return the luggage items to the owner, but at least someone can have them,” says Qantas CEO Alan Joyce. Through the ‘Qantas Shop’ app, consumers can purchase a range of used luggage items online.…
Read More#BREAKING: PM announces public holiday to help all Australians recover from Matildas’ loss
THERAPY DAY: The Prime Minister has just announced a new public holiday to allow Australians a chance to recuperate from the Matildas heart-wrenching semi-final loss. “This is a crucial step for the nation’s collective well-being,” says Anthony Albanese. Slated for Friday, the day is being coined: The National Matildas Recovery Day. Supermarkets are already anticipating a surge in demand for comfort foods. “We are ramping up supplies of Tim Tams and ice cream,” says a spokesperson for Coles. Alcohol retailers are also prepped for increased sales. As the nation prepares for a day of healing, one thing is clear: the…
Read MorePrime Minister promises a public holiday if Souths beat Newcastle this weekend
GO THE BUNNIES! The South Sydney NRL team is experiencing a sudden surge in support after the PM pledged a public holiday if they manage to beat Newcastle this weekend. “As you know, I’ve always been a huge Bunnies fan,” Anthony Albanese told reporters this afternoon. “So if they win this weekend, let’s give the people what they want – a day off work!” Souths face the Knights at 2pm this Sunday in a round 25 clash that will determine top 8 spots. “We need the entire nation behind the Bunnies,” says Albanese. “If they lose this weekend it’s going…
Read MoreDivorcee CEO demanding return to office, purely so he can sleaze onto the executive assistants
UP CLOSE & PERSONAL: A recently divorced CEO has issued a company-wide mandate for a complete return to the office, despite the ongoing success of remote work. “We all crave face to face interaction,” Mike Wright told staff during an in-person meeting today. “We need to create synergy and collaboration.” But staff are seeing through his buzzwords. They claim since his divorce, he’s been desperately pushing for return to office so he can try to crack onto the employees. “He’s a major creep,” said one unnamed executive assistant. “He texts me at strange times and asks me to come into…
Read MoreNetwork TEN announces its newest reality TV show: ‘The Billionaire Bachelors’
RICH PICKINGS: Network TEN has just announced its latest foray into reality television with ‘The Billionaire Bachelors,’ featuring three of Australia’s richest men. Newly single business tycoons Mike Cannon-Brookes, Andrew Forrest and Rupert Murdoch will vye for the hearts of 20 bachelorettes. “We’re sticking with the three Bachelor format, as we have done for the last few seasons of the franchise,” says a Network TEN spokesperson. “But obviously in this particular season, there’ll be a lot to play for.” Producers are promising a series “filled with helicopter dates, diamond encrusted roses and romantic getaways to private islands.” Network TEN says…
Read MoreSocial pressure forces woman to see the Barbie film 3 times in 2 days with all her different friend groups
BARBIE BURNOUT: Barbie-mania is taking its toll on one Sydney woman who’s already seen the much hyped film three times since its release yesterday. Brigid Connelly says intense politics among her various friend groups is forcing her to see the movie way more than she’d like. “Yesterday I went with my work crew and I couldn’t say no to my friend Laura and her sister who went last night,” she told DBT. “And now I’m about to head into the 4:30pm session at Bondi Westfield with my other friends from yoga.” Brigid Connelly says none of the different friend groups…
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